I Was Dumped By My BFF On Facebook
When my long lost buddy sent me a Facebook friend request nearly a year ago, I was ecstatic. Claire and I were inseparable all throughout high school. We finished each other’s sentences and shared not only our clothes and makeup, but our darkest secrets and fantasies as well.
Then, in the middle of our senior year, she got a boyfriend and I was quickly fazed out. I was hurt that she could so easily turn her back on our friendship for some dude (who turned out to be a complete asshole-of course!) after all we had been through. What I learned is that there are some girls who cannot maintain relationships with their friends once they have a guy in their life. Claire was one of those girls.
Nearly two decades passed, and I always wondered about Claire. But when we both left for college, we had nothing more than each others’ home phone numbers, for these were the days before cell phones and twitter, and all the other technological mediums that provide us with the illusion of friendship and connection, but only leave us more isolated and incapable of making a genuine human connection then ever. But, I digress…. back to Claire. And that ubiquitous Facebook friend request:
“Hi Jennifer, Sorry for stalking you… if you would rather not respond, I completely understand. But I would love to get back in contact with you. I’ve always thought of you as one of the few true friends I’ve had in life, and that is such a rare thing. If you’d be interested in getting back in touch, please respond. Love, Claire“
I was elated. We began sending each other long emails about our lives and journeys over the past 20 years. We even explored the issues that led to us drifting apart. Claire wrote:
“I have googled you more times than I can count over the years. I didn’t contact you in those early years was because I was so ashamed of what a poor friend I was to you toward the end of high school when I hooked up with Joe and was incapable of having any other relationships. Thank God we’re finding each other now instead of when we’re 80! Now you’re stuck with me for good!“
Within a week, Claire sent me an email asking me if she could come visit me for a few days. I invited her to stay in my home and planned the whole weekend out for us.
We had an awesome time. She met my husband and children, I took her to my favorite restaurants and we spent hours talking, and even sat on my sofa late at night and continued our gab-fest over a bowl of chocolate chips-just like old times! We were thrilled that after all these years, we still had nearly identical tastes and beliefs- from politics to social issues to music.
We made a commitment to stay connected via Facebook, to talk on the phone at least once a week, and make the effort to visit each other every few months. I felt like I had my best friend back.
I knew Claire had a demanding career and she and her husband where avid travelers, so when her emails became less frequent I thought nothing of it. But a couple of weeks ago I suddenly realized that I had not heard from Claire in over two months, so I decided to check out her profile and see what was up. She was no longer on Facebook! I assumed she must have deleted her account. On a whim, I clicked on one of our mutual friends and looked at her list of friends. Lo and behold, there was Claire, on her list.
Was it possible that Claire had deleted me as her friend from Facebook? And if so, why in God’s name would she do such a nasty and reprehensible thing?
I immediately sent her a new friend request, and left her a voicemail, as well as a personal email. I racked my brain and tried to think of something I could have possibly done to warrant such an immature act of technological vengeance, but I drew a blank.
I waited all day and heard nothing from her. And I admit it- I began to obsess. I emailed one of our mutual friends on the site:
“Hey Joy- have you heard from Claire lately? For some reason, I can’t access her page.”
Joy immediately responded:
“Yeah- she is still on. She got back from Tibet a few weeks ago- she has some great pictures posted!”
I felt dread wash over me. Claire was still on Facebook and for some reason had deliberately deleted me from her list of friends. That night, I checked my pending friend request to Claire and it had been….DENIED! Worse yet, she had blocked me from her account. The message rang loud and clear: “I hate you- get the fuck out my life- never contact me again!”
This couldn’t be happening to me.
In our generation, deleting a friend from Facebook is the ultimate act of “fuck-you.” Facebook has become synonymous with popularity, friendship, and connection. People feel great pride over the quality and quantity of their “Friends List” on the social networking site. When someone is unceremoniously deleted from one of these lists, they often feel intense rejection and angst. Teenagers have been known to commit suicide over this.
But for God’s sake, I am not in junior high school, I am a 35 year old woman and I have worked way too hard in my life to get dissed by one of my best friends on Facebook- some lame-ass site that I never wanted to join in the first place because of the ridiculous stories of public betrayal and rejection that I had heard. Stories like mine.
Right then and there I decided that I was not going to go down in a sea of shame on Facebook without one hell of a fight!
I don’t easily open up to people and let myself get vulnerable, as I had done with Claire. She was the one who had pursued me and invited herself to my home, and made grand apologies and new promises of renewed friendship and connection. And now she was rejecting me on Facebook? My despair turned to anger. This is bullshit- if I had done something to upset her, the very least I deserved was an explanation.
A few more days and sleepless nights passed and still no word from Claire. On a whim, I risked being classified as a “Facebook Stalker” and messaged her husband:
“Todd- this is Jennifer, Claire’s friend. I have been trying to contact her for the past few days online and on the phone. For some reason she has not responded. I am totally confused. Please, at the very least, let me know that she is OK. Thanks.“
Within an hour, Claire responded. Finally!
“First of all, we just returned from Tibet which is why I have not responded to you- (Really? According to our mutual friends she had been back for weeks.) I can’t believe you would think I would delete you- I would never do that! I have been trying to delete my account from Facebook- since I am no longer getting anything out of being there, except wasted time. I think some of my friends got blocked in the process. (Then why was she on all of our mutual friends’ lists except mine?) Now for the good news…Todd and I are moving to Tibet in 2 weeks! It has always been our dream to live there and we were offered a job to manage a luxury monastery for two years! I am so excited! I am going to be very busy for the next few weeks preparing for this move, and once we get there I don’t think we will have internet. But I am so happy we reconnected and I wish you all the best!”
For some reason, her response left me feeling more sad, confused and rejected then when I thought she had simply deleted me off of Facebook. I never wanted to relive the emotionally enmeshed connection we had in high school- clearly that wasn’t healthy and wouldn’t have worked in either of our busy and full adult lives.
But I expected her to treat me with compassion and dignity and be responsive when I attempted to contact her. Instead, she left me in a holding pattern for days and couldn’t bother to respond to my multiple messages and voicemails, despite the fact that I was clearly upset and anxious. It felt very cruel. I believe she only replied to me because she felt backed in to a corner.
Now, I wasn’t being dumped for some dumb-shit dude, rather I was being tossed aside as she pursued her new life. I was being told “Don’t bother contacting me for the next few years because I am going to be unreachable” with no mention of our commitment to stay connected to one another. By the way, I am hard pressed to believe that there is no internet in Tibet!
Our reunion was a complete waste of time and emotional energy, which has left me questioning our entire relationship. I also feel totally used- like a baby blankey or some other transitional object that was snuggled up to and sucked on until something better came along.
So, I responded to her in the only way I could:
“Sounds like an exciting opportunity. I wish you and Todd all the best. Take care.”
In retrospect, I wonder…was I actually deleted as her friend on Facebook? Maybe. Was I given the ultimate kiss-off and essentially told “I’m just not that in to you anymore”? Absolutely. Am I surprised? Not really? Am I hurt and angry? Unquestionably.
And if, upon her return from Tibet, she comes knocking, texting, tweeting, or Facebooking, my heart will be closed. No matter how seductive the illusion of her friendship appears to be.
September 30th, 2009 at 11:49 am
I am terribly sorry that you went through this with your “friend”, but I had to comment and say first, her loss and second, this article is so well written, I felt your initial excitement and then rejection! Take care,
- Heather B
September 30th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Sounds a tiny bit similar to something that happened to me. From kindergarten through high school, I had an amazing friend. We started to drift apart because she got married right out of high school and that was the time I was wild, footloose, fancy free, whatever……anyway, while I was busy being crazy, she had a car accident and died. I so wish I would have been a better friend.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, I saw her younger sister as one of the “You May Know” or whatever it is, on MySpace. I sent her a message and friend request. I’m saddened by the fact that she has not responded at all. It’s sad really.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I am so glad you wrote this. I am in my mid twenties and although facebook literally began and evolved during my undergraduate years, i could be considered what you call a late bloomer when it comes to internet proficiency and social networking. I have only been on FB for a year and some change, but it has already caused me my share of drama.
It’s kind of ironic because while I was in college watching everyone air their dirty laundry (not to mention their blatant drinking problems), I was baffled at how people could put so much personal information up for virtual (no pun intended) strangers to see. I vowed I would never take part in such a concocted, disgenuine and potentially dangerous website.
Well I held strong for three years, but I finally gave in about a year or so ago drawen in by the allure of strengthening and even creating friendship. In the short year I have been on I have lost 3 good friends that I don’t blame FB completely for, persay, however I do believe it facilitated the endings of friendships that were never really meant to go past a certain point of our lives and added unnecessary drama to my life. I truly believe some people were only meant to be in our lives for a season.
Now that I have finally sold out to FB (although you will not catch me on myspace or the notorious twitter) I have constantly analyzed the nature and consequences of such an arbuitary and staged existence in cyberworld seeing as many people my age spend the majority of their day on (although not a scientific calculation, however I am a sociologist and I hypothesize this to be true, in hopes of one day having the data to corroborate my theory) and come to your same conclusion of disillusion and detachment. I even deactivated my account only to go back three months later in a moment of loneliness.
Sorry for such a long winded response, but this is a topic that holds my interest and resentment on the same token. It is comforting, although disheartening, to see that I am not the only one in angst about it and as always I thoroughly enjoy reading your entries.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Sometimes girlfriend breakups are more heartbreaking than with men. So sorry you went through this. I had a bestfriend from elementary school through middle school dump me in highschool for cheerleading. Total bitch move. I have never truly forgiven her. If she contacted me now I’d be very cautious.
I like Heather’s response — Her loss! You sound like a true friend.
Jenny
http://www.momsmatchup.com/Moms_Matchup/Blog_%26_Chat/Blog_%26_Chat.html
September 30th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
P.S. I agree with Heather, this article is very well written.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
I have had a couple of friends like this. I’m the kind of person that if you don’t screw me over, I never would a friend, I’m a loyal friend for life. Although, some women just don’t get this concept.
I was friends with one lady for years and whenever I would go home to visit my home country, I would go see her and sometimes drive 3 hours to go and see her wherever she was living. I was always the one maintaining the friendship and finally after a visit home and a trip to her home, she never responded to any of my emails, voicemails, etc. I was insulted, not only that I’d wasted a whole day of my holiday driving to see her but also that she valued our friendship so little that she couldn’t even email or phone me to tell me why I was being dumped. So when she came up as a suggested friend on facebook, I let her have it. She just replied saying she was shocked by my email and had thought we’d simply lost contact (hardly), then she blocked me. I can only laugh at the whole situation and think I don’t know why I invested so much time and energy into maintaining a friendship in the first place she was actually v.boring.
Lately, I’ve made a good friend who I’ve been seeing quite a lot of. Last week we went to a party and she got very drunk and revealed all her darkest, deepest secrets to me, I would never repeat them to a soul but she said she was embarrassed she’d told me all this while she was drunk, now it seems she is giving me the cold shoulder. Why should I be punish for her getting drunk and spilling all her secrets, it really doesn’t make me think any less of her, I’m practically unshockable, but she’s obviously mortified. I guess that’s just women and friendships, sometimes they’re rocky and sometimes they don’t work out long term but it’s good to have some good girlfriends in your life.
November 29th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Hi Jennifer,
You sound like a really good person and a classy lady. I wish more women subscribed to true loyalty in friendship of the kind that you seem to believe in yourself. The world would be a much better place and our own personal lives would be far less painful.
It’s very timely that I came across this post. My closest friend of the last FOURTEEN years (yes, fourteen years with almost no interruption) just deleted me today from her Friends list on Facebook. We are not teenagers – I am 38 and she is 36. The reason this came about is because for the last couple of years our friendship has drifted apart due to the dramatic transformation that came about as a result of her having a baby a couple of years ago. Even though we talked very openly when she was pregnant about how important it was for us to maintain a friendship, and she explicitly said she never wanted to become one of those women who lost themselves in motherhood and stopped caring about other relationships, that is exactly what has happened. This has been her choice and to my credit ever since the baby came along I bent over backwards accommodating her new moods and schedules and neurosis. I truly wanted to play the role of a surrogate aunty to this little fella. She has been so wrapped up and self-involved I don’t think she’s even noticed all the efforts I’ve made to sustain our friendship. Meanwhile, while I have been making extra, extra efforts, she has withdrawn even the most basic ones on her end and has even gone so far as to come across as not caring about my schedule, my feelings, my desires, etc. Reciprocity, and give and take no longer exist. I figured that since we’ve been close for so many years that we could have a conversation about it and try and save our friendship. So I was the one that brought it up (by email since we weren’t hanging out any more). I requested some basic consideration in certain areas that she had been insensitive and disconnected about. I also suggested that we meet in person to talk about stuff. I invited her to share any grievances she had/ suggestions for me on ways in which I could also do better by our friendship. I thought that since we are both adults, this wouldn’t be all THAT challenging to attempt. I told her I knew I wasn’t perfect and that we both needed to do our part. Well, to my shock instead of reacting in a concerned way and agreeing to get together to talk, she took my head off and totally attacked me. All by email. She accused ME of being “self-absorbed” and not being tolerant enough of her V.I.P. status now that she has a kid. Her attitude was almost as if she expected me to become a martyr and not expect anything from her, and yet be completely tolerant of exactly how she behaved, no matter how rude or insensitive. She attacked me, did not take me up on my invitation to chat in person, and finally, today, deleted me from Facebook. How dare I suggest that she is anything less than absolute perfection after all. I am heartbroken after a great, close, loyal friendship of 14 years has now been lost. What hurts even more is that she doesn’t seem even remotely heartbroken. It’s as if now that she has a baby, that little bundle of needs is the ONLY thing she feels worthy of her time and emotions. How very sad, and very short-sighted. Anyway, my only point is that it seems that true loyalty and a commitment to work on friendships is a very rare thing these days. Thanks for sharing your story. At least there are a few of us left out there.