The Sins Of The Mother
If I was faced with Sophie’s Choice today, there would be no question what I would do. Kiana, my two year old daughter, would stay and Shane, my four-and-a-half year old son, would go. As politically incorrect as this sentiment is, I am certain that most mothers of more than one child can relate to it. Simply put, while I love my children equally, I generally tend to like one better than the other. Navigating through these feelings can be a tricky dance, especially as I am committed to not letting them seep into my interactions with my children.
My relationship with Shane is pretty contentious these days. In a nutshell, my goal is to get him to behave in accordance with the rules of our house and the laws of the world, which I don’t think is too much to ask. He responds to my attempts at control with irrational resistance and rejection. While he is able to keep it together at school and in other people’s homes, when he is with me he seems to just fall apart. He wants to do things his way and in his order, (eat dessert before breakfast, watch TV before getting dressed, and take a bath in a salad bowl with all of my expensive bath salts!) Trying to reason with him is like trying to negotiate with the terrorists.
One of the hardest parts of our relationship is that I am often forced to face all the things I hate about myself. When he is behaving the most egregiously, it is like looking in a fucking mirror which shines on all of my dark and shadowy parts which I have spent years alternately trying to correct and deny. His incessant tenacity- how he won’t give up until he gets his way- vintage Jen. His obsessiveness- whether it’s about candy or a specific toy that he covets- was inherited by Yours Truly. The list goes on and on- his stubborn nature, his need for power and control, the way he never forgets a single thing- all I have to do is look at my reflection.
I always struggled with the biblical verse, “the sins of the fathers shall be visited upon the sons” because I felt it was profoundly unfair that children were condemned to bear the shortcomings of their parents. Now that I am a mom, I understand this passage on a whole different level. I feel sadness and shame that after putting forth my greatest effort to not pass my worst qualities onto my son, it still has happened.
My friends tell me I am being too hard on myself- that all this is simply a result of him being my first-born and a reflection of his developmental phase. I, for one, find the “fucking fours” much more challenging than the “terrible twos”! But on some level, I know that I hold the power to change our relationship. I am the adult- the one who is forced to rise to the task of being the wiser, kinder, stronger, and more patient person. When I get down on his level and engage with him like I am another rageful four year-old child, all hell breaks loose.
No one told me that when I had children I would have to squarely face all those parts of myself that I have attempted to sweep under the rug. By some miracle, this layer of angst has not permeated my relationship with my daughter. For now, things with her are sweet and easy and light. Living with the glaring contrast without allowing it to inform my behavior is a tough line to walk.
I force myself to work through my feelings of anxiety and dig deep when I am with Shane- I want him to understand the rules and boundaries while feeling safe and loved. The truth be told, I love him so very much it often hurts- even when he is acting the most unlovable. Perhaps I can learn to love those parts of myself, as well.
July 16th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Good moms are hard on themselves: ) Damn introspection. Good to have back btw.
July 18th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I have three Shanes; they are now 6 1/2 (I guess we’re in the “sucky sixes.” Anyway, I remember people telling me, when they were 2 or 3, that, “It gets much better when they are 4.” Right. What I found was that, while at 2, they wanted to do everything and couldn’t really do it, and that was a source of frustration to them (and to me a bit), at 4, they could do things, but they didn’t want to — a source of frustration mainly to me. So it was good to hear that you feel the same way about age 4. Another thing people tell me is that kids are worst behaved at home, because they feel comfortable there — that they can let it all out and still know that they are loved unconditionally. While that warms my heart, I still wish we could reach some sort of a balance. And, yes, I know I should be better behaved myself when they are stubborn, stomping, screaming, little fiends — I should set a better example, rise above, etc. But, hey, I feel comfortable at home, too. So doesn’t that mean I can go all wiggy, too? Take care! M
July 18th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Love your interpretation of the Biblical verse; sometimes the people we love challenge us. It’s good to remember this is normal.
August 11th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Your honesty is refreshing. Very peculiar and entertaining blog.