As I am sick, I have been relegated to watching Kelly Ripa squirt whipped cream in her mouth and reading idiotic women’s magazines that reinforce my angst with articles like “Lose Your Inner Slob- Organize Your Life” and “How To Choose Bold Earrings.” Today, I was drawn to an article in a popular woman’s magazine called “5 Minutes to Happy- Go From Blah To Bliss in an Instant.” Being totally in favor of instant gratification, the idea that I could resolve a lifetime of angst in 5 minutes was incredibly seductive, so I immediately jumped to the page (sadly bypassing an article about how to create an eye-catching floral arrangement by adding food coloring to water.)

Some of the suggestions included: changing your email password to “love” or another positive word,  doing something “novel” like getting a temporary tattoo on your ankle, and being on the lookout for “small wonders” like butterflies in your garden. I am tempted to tear apart these pathetic and pedantic suggestions (did I mention I am cranky and sick?), but instead, I am going to offer my readers “Angst Mom’s Guide to 5 Minutes to Happy”:

1. Fake an injury, go the ER, and request a fentanyl shot
2. Go to 7/11 and purchase a package of King Size Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
3. Watch the first series of A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila
4. Eat french bread with real butter
5. Obtain a prescription for medical marijuana
6. Blow your life savings, abandon your children, take a plane to Bora Bora, and rent an over-the-water bungalow
7. Get a lap dance (if you don’t want to contribute to the objectification and exploitation of women, make your husband do it)
8. Prank call an ex. (I have to admit, this is one of my absolute faves- an old standby which has evoked instant glee for over 2 decades! I don’t actually consider myself a prank caller- I prefer the title Phone Artist. Any men reading this who have been victimized by my “phone art”, I apologize in advance.  At what age am I too old to engage in this ridiculously immature behavior? Will reevaluate when I’m 37!)
9. Get a Brazillian bikin wax- it hurts so good!
10. Raw cookie dough- need I say more?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 30th, 2009 at 4:50 pm and is filed under 1. Angst Mom Essays. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.