Gifted Verses Gifts
There is nothing more boring than hearing some parent talk about how “gifted” their child is. It is no longer good enough for your kid to be sweet and kind, he now must be off-the-charts smart as well. I, for one, am much more concerned about raising children who are empathic rather than smart. Look at Nazi Germany- one of the most academically gifted and intelligent cultures in history, yet arguably the most morally evil. What about all of the super-smart doctors and lawyers who are essentially social retards and complete jackasses? I know I am making sweeping generalizations, but I really wish parents would let their kids be regular kids once in awhile.
When I worked as clinical coordinator at a Jewish treatment center for alcoholics and addicts, I heard common themes from the residents, who often felt that the parental expectation of success was so pronounced that they simply couldn’t live up to it. When a child doesn’t feel good enough, a cognitive dissonance develops. On the one hand, a child intuitively knows what he enjoys doing, but when this is devalued by the most powerful people in his world, he comes to believe that he is defective. This disconnect can set the stage for addictions to flourish.
This phenomena is markedly pronounced in the Jewish culture, where material success and academic achievements are highly valued. I remember one patient telling me how angry his parents were when he told them he didn’t want to go to college, “I hated school. Yes- my dad was a doctor and my older brother was a doctor. But I always loved building things, even as a little boy. When I told my parents I wanted to be a construction worker, they laughed at me. I was never good enough.”
I asked my Rabbi, Mark Borovitz, what his thoughts were about this, “The question isn’t whether your child is gifted,” he said, “The question is: do you see your child’s gifts?”
I love this. Am I able to see and value my own children’s gifts, or I am covertly trying to mold them into an image of myself (or who I wish I was?) How many parents project their own feelings of disappointment over what they didn’t accomplish in an effort to give their kids what they never had? Am I able to appreciate Haley’s introspective qualities, rather than criticize her for not being more expressive and “bubbly” like me? Can I help Shane find ways to appropriately channel his tenacity instead of simply telling him to stop being so demanding?
Most importantly, am I able to reframe my expectations of my children and stop judging them based on some bullshit standard that they may or may not want to live up to? Can I see them as truly successful if they are able to contribute to the world in a positive way, without harming themselves or others?
June 21st, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Great post, Jennifer! I have 6 1/2-year-old triplets — 2 girls & a boy — and I think seeing and encouraging their individual gifts is the thing I strive most to do. I guess I’m lucky in that although there are lots of (probably) gifted kids around my kids in school, and my kids are probably gifted in various ways (aren’t all of us given gifts by our Creator?), the emphasis isn’t on “my kid is more gifted than your kid.” It is more about meeting each child’s needs academically and artistically (if that’s where their gifts lie). They provide gifted services in our elementary school to make sure kids aren’t bored and goofing off. Or at least that’s the sense I get, since we’re not part of it all yet. I think I’d also rather have empathetic kids than brilliant ones. M
June 21st, 2009 at 8:02 pm
You are incredibly wise .. it makes me so happy that someone like you has chosen to raise children. Between not wanting our kids to ever experience failure (i.e. everyone is a winner) and constantly celebrating how gifted they are, we are going to end up with a population of egocentric adults with inflated perceptions of their own abilities, and who sadly never learned the value of their TRUE gifts. I wish all parents could read this post!
June 21st, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Excellent post. I am so tired of mother’s trying to ‘one up’ each other. I love how my children are different from each other and their friends. It’s exciting to see them grow and develop into their own person. Thank you!