A Plea To My Friend- No More Tapanade
Dear Jill,
You are a great friend, a wonderful mother, and an incredible chef. But I am now making the following request:
No matter how much I beg, bribe, coerce or plead… no matter how much compensation I offer you, do not sell me any more of your tapanade. Under any circumstances.
Yesterday, I bought another batch from you. And I have been eating it for 2 days straight. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner. On pretzels, on crackers, on carrots, on Terra chips. Off a spoon and off my finger. Off cardboard, if there were no other options. Last night at midnight I stood in front of my fridge and ate it out of the container in the dark.
This has got to stop.
I know you don’t reveal your secret recipes, but what the fuck are you putting in this tapanade? Crack? Ecstasy? I actually feel high right now, as I have just consumed several spoonfuls of it for my dinner. But I know what is coming….in a few minutes I will begin to crash and burn and the only thing that will make me feel better is your tapanade.
I can’t even remember life before tapanade. How did I function? What did I eat? How did I cope without running to the fridge every half hour for my fix?
I can’t go on this way. I have beat addictions far worse. So after I finish this vat (which will probably be in the next hour), I am begging you to cut me off forever. Cold Turkey.
I know I will go into withdrawals. I know the next few days will not be pretty. But woman cannot exist on tapanade alone.
XO, AngstMom aka The Woman Who Is Addicted to Everything
April 21st, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Dear Angst Mom,
No need to have angst over tapenade. Olive oil is very good for your skin. (which already glows– the tapenade is just making it glowier). I, too, have had an olive addiction since age 5. I discovered tapenade around age 17. I learned how to make tapenade in my 30s. I have tapenade on hand for my five o’clock snack: swiss cheese and crackers with a dollop of tapenade chased by a glass of oaky red wine. So I understand this angst.
I am not sorry you’re addicted. You’re right, I cannot reveal my secrets but trust me when I say there’s nothing “bad” in the dip. I will not cut you off no matter how many times you ask me. I will gladly deliver you a vat every Monday. I will gladly share it with you over wine and cheese if you so desire.
As a foodie, I stand by letting food make you happy. Now, if you were asking to buy my cookie dough in the raw, I might have draw the line. But tapenade, no can do.
Sincerely,
The Queen of Tapenade
April 22nd, 2009 at 5:49 am
Good God woman! I can order raw cookie dough from you too!!!!
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:05 am
No!!! I won’t let you do that!! You can order cookies from me, but not the dough!!
April 28th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
okay – your friend jill is also very funny! mmmmm….tapenade….sounds yummy….