Balance Angst
You don’t want a lady writer. They write when they should be cooking. Daydream when they should be cleaning” -Erica Jong in “Fear of Flying
I love those idiotic articles in parenting magazines that talk about how moms need to “have balance” in their life. Motherhood leaves me in a constant state of imbalance. I tend to be a pretty black and white person to begin with, so the prospect of finding any semblance of stability while I am constantly needing to keep three little people safe, fed, and entertained is impossible to achieve.
“You need to find the gray,” concluded one therapist, as I sought a $200 per hour solution to the disequilibrium that manifested in every area of my life. A brilliant observation, I suppose, but no concrete suggestion was provided on how I might accomplish this. I guess if I was actually given a solution, the therapist would have no longer be able to make his car payment!
Lately, I have begun to embrace the imbalance, rather than fight it. One week I am super-mom, as I maniacally bake cookies, host play-dates, and run around the park with my little munchkins.
The next week I lock myself in a room, a la Jeffrey Dahmer, and obsessively write, hardly coming up for air or an iced green tea refill.
A few months ago I was obsessed with order and cleanliness in my home. This was a way for me to concretely deal with the angst and relentlessness of all the tasks of motherhood. If my house looked spotless, than I had the illusion of control in my life.
After hitting my bottom with this compulsion, I made a conscious choice to ignore the clutter. Step over the mess. Leave dishes in the sink. Let clothes pile up in the hamper. It has been incredibly liberating.
But my house is now a fucking pigsty.
Actually, it’s not that bad if you happen to swing by on a Tuesday, after my beloved housekeeper scrubs it down!
April 14th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
You sound a little like Erica Jong in Fear of Flying: “Men don’t want a lady writer. They write when they should be cooking. They daydream when they should be cleaning” etc. thank G-d for housekeepers!