Today is my 35th birthday. This certainly feels like a Milestone One. I can no longer ride the wave of coming off of my late 20’s. My pathological denial of the fact that I am firmly in my 30’s has been smashed. I am officially too old to dress the way I dress and listen to the music that I listen to. I have made that psychic shift from being young and trendy to becoming an aging mother who is trying way too hard to hold on to what she once was.

Last night I dreamt that I was starting my first day of high school, but I was 35 year old woman. I looked in the mirror at my face, and noticed all the soft lines around my eyes. I wondered if the other students would be suspicious that I was an impostor, or if I could still pass for a teenager.

I feel this way about life most of the time, but in reverse. I take on all of these grown-up responsibilities, yet I am waiting all the time for my covers to be pulled. For someone to finally figure out that I am just pretending to be an adult, but I really don’t know what the hell I am doing.

I can certainly go on an on about my angst. About all the things I thought I would have accomplished, all the demons I haven’t yet conquered, all the areas in which I should have grown by now. But strangely, the Queen of Angst is feeling rather grateful today.

I am grateful that my family and I are healthy, for one. I don’t know what to write about the horrific tragedy that struck Natasha Richardson that wouldn’t come across as a cliche’. Along with the rest of the world, I am reminded how fleeting life is, and how in one instant everything can change. I had the opportunity to experience my children today and hear my husband’s voice on the telephone. I am blessed.

I am grateful that I have a home and food and healthcare for my family. Of course, the economic situation has impacted our family, like everyone else’s family, to a degree. But I recognize how much worse it could be. My children will not go to bed hungry tonight. As hard as it is to be away from my husband today, I am grateful that he has employment even when it takes him out of the country.

I am grateful that I have a wonderful community of friends who will be celebrating my birthday with me tonight. I am grateful that I have an incredible extended family who has offered me so much love on this day.

I am going to end this now, because I feel incredibly boring when I am not being sarcastic and quippy. Just one request…if you see me walking around town with my ipod on, rocking out to Sublime, dressed like a teenager, with hair that is probably too long and lips that are probably too glossy, just give me a polite nod and let me go on my way. Let me ride this final wave of denial for a little bit longer.

I promise when I turn 40, I will get the mom haircut and buy some mom jeans!

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 19th, 2009 at 2:22 pm and is filed under 1. Angst Mom Essays. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.