More Letter Angst
I wouldn’t be AngstMom if I was still not obsessing over the letter I received from a reader which basically accused me of not recognizing how much I have to be grateful for in my life. There are many moms I know who suffer from anxiety and depression. Their despair is compounded by the fact that they feel deeply guilty because they “should” be feeling grateful and happy for their families. Many of these women won’t admit how they are truly feeling because they are terrified of being judged, like I was in the email I received.
I believe that maternal guilt and shame over our human-ness is much more pronounced now then it was in our mothers’ generations. Most of our mothers did not have aspirations beyond motherhood, and it was much more socially acceptable to “just be a mom.” Don’t get me wrong- many of these mothers were depressed, anxious, and unhappy, but they didn’t have the further layer of angst that us mothers have now. Not only are we expected to be cheerful, grateful, and ecstatic from the moment our babies are born, we are expected to immediately lose all of our baby weight, dress stylishly, and be sexy for our husbands. We are also supposed to be ambitious, charitable, and educated.
If we dare express how we are really feeling, we risk being shamed and ridiculed. If we chose to stay home and raise our kids full time, there are people who will judge us for our lack of aspiration. If we chose to go back to work, then we are judged for not living up to our role as a mother and abandoning our children. If we chose to formulate a hybrid of the two (like me), then we are judged for being over-stretched and not having focus. I suppose the ideal woman is one who stays home with her kids all day, works at an impressive and prestigious job all night, is model-thin and actress beautiful, plus fits in an hour of strength building and cardio exercise every day.
How often do we set impossibly high goals for ourselves, whether practical or emotional, then feel like a failure when we can’t meet them? We end up feeling crappy because of what we think we should be doing or feeling, when everything is actually just fine.
If there is one thing I want to express in my writing is it that it is OK to be human, to be ambivalent, to feel stressed, to feel uninspired in your role as a mother. These feelings are not facts, and they do not make you a bad mom. It is critically important for you to have a place in your life where you can express these feelings and get really honest. It is very possible to have these feelings and still act in a gracious, kind, and loving way towards your family and community.
I always fall back on the brilliant words of my spiritual guide, Rabbi Mark Borovitz. “Fuck your feelings!” he often bellows from the pulpit, jolting awake the souls of his congregants. When we “fuck our feelings” we are not discounting them or pretending that they don’t exist. We are acknowledging them wholeheartedly, then taking the healthiest action possible, in spite of them. We learn that we can both feel bleak and act appropriately. As I parent my children, I don’t have the luxury in indulging in my feelings. I must show up for them, even when I am sick, uninspired, or having PMS.
Guess what, before we are moms we are human beings. The more we allow ourselves to be imperfect, the less likely we will feel overwhelmed by our humanity.
If there are any moms out there who are struggling and are afraid to express how they are really feeling, I am available to listen. Please send a message to my confidential email and know that you will not be judged in any way.
February 14th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
OMG! That email was ridiculous and does not desreve the the time and effort of such a thoughtful response! You are just being a “real” person in your blog material and saying, in a funny and witty manner, what so many moms think and feel. If you your blog was simply about the vitures of being a wife and a mom and how fabulous it is all of the time, nobody would read it and nobody would get a kick out of it. It would be boring as hell. And doesn’t this person realize that part of the fun of writing is to provide entertainment? Kind of like a performer or comedian? Well, I just couldn’t beleve it when I saw that email and I wanted you to know that I’m sure that there are many, many more people who appreciate your writing than take it to mean you are somehow desperate and ungrateful. I cannot think of a more appropriate word than ridiculous and I hope that you can somehow manage to not let it bother you so much. This person obviously has too much time and her hands. In the words of your Rabbi, “Fuck her feelings!.”
Julie
February 20th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I came across your blog from Mommy Track’d and when I read Airplane Angst, I was laughing out loud – you capture it perfectly, not just what happens, but the internal dialogue, too. I am totally hooked on your blog now.
Some of what you write seems to come right out of my brain… especially about how some of us we feel like we are failing no matter what we do, and how little we talk about it.
Keep up the good work, and as my girlfriends and I used to say, “don’t let the ‘haters’ get you down”. What you are doing makes a positive difference!