Criticism Angst
I just received an email from an angstmom reader (who obviously knows me) which contained some very strong criticisms of my blog. Rather than paraphrase her sentiments, here is the email in an edited version:
Dear Jennifer,
I am surprised to read about how you feel.
Jennifer, you are a wife, a Mother and a very LUCKY woman that might not realize what all you have.
Life at times presents to us with challenges that we might not be ready to take on for whatever the reason(s) might be, or understand why these are given to us; however, look around you and see what life has given you… You two have two beautiful healthy children of your own, and an amazing step-daughter. I know that you and all new moms deserved alone time for yourselves. They want you because they LOVE you and not necessarily because they need you, the sitters can pretty much take care of their immediate needs, but they cannot give them the love they want and need, that only comes from YOU. Enjoy your children because before you know they will be grown ups that are on their way to college and into their own world, where you will not necessary be part of, then you would realized that time has passed and you will wonder what happen, where did time go?
Jennifer, I want you to know that I love you and love your family too, and if you at any time want someone to talk to, do something with or want me to do something for the kids, all you need to do is call me because I love you.
Wow….where shall I begin?
First of all, it goes with out saying that I love all of my children and my husband fiercely. Anybody who knows me can attest to this. It is incomprehensible to me that the irony and self-deprecating humor of my writing was lost on this person. I write about my experiences as a mom in Los Angeles. In every essay, I strive to be as honest as possible. I recognize where I fall short and quickly point out the areas in which I hope to grow.
I am so grateful for my incredible family. I am not going to bore you with more platitudes on the virtues of motherhood. If that is what you are looking for, then I recommend that you log on to babycenter.com.
I often use dark humor and hyperbole to make my points. I am incredibly appreciative of my readers and friends who have supported me, acknowledged my honesty, and validated my experiences.
Being the mother of young children can be a real trip. I wish it were all snuggles and giggles and cupcakes with sprinkles (specifically red-velvet with cream-cheese frosting!) I have struggled with transitioning from my role as career-woman to mother, but I embrace it completely, nonetheless.
I spend the majority of my free time writing about my experiences and relationships with my children because it increases my awareness as a mother. I get to re-live situations, examine my reactions to certain incidents, and hopefully come to a place of perspective and gratitude. My sense of humor pulls me through the harder times.
Thank you again to my readers and friends for all of your support. I understand that there are people who will not appreciate my writing. But until I resolve my angst, AngstMom.com will persevere!
p.s. My blog is a collection of my essays, it it not a cry out for help. I am doing just fine, thank you!
p.s.s. I am so profoundly grateful for my incredible housekeeper who has a beautiful connection with my children, especially Kiana. She has helped me in many ways, above and beyond the call of duty, over the years. When she watches Kiana, she does much more than care for her immediate needs. We have been to her home over the years for different celebrations, and she is truly like a part of our family. I see the way both she and Kiana light up when they see each other. Especially since both my mother and my husband’s mother have passed away, we are incredibly fortunate to have found a person to fill in some empty spots in our childrens’ lives.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
I think this reader, who I am sure has the best of intentions, may have misunderstood the purpose of angstmom. Anyone who has ever taken care of a child for 30 minutes has wanted to stop reading Dr. Seuss after the 16th or 17th time. It sounds as if the person who wrote this letter is a very loving mother whose children have grown. I think it is a little unfair that she has completely forgotten those moments of exhaustion or the need for a little personal time. Of course you love your children; that’s why you have angst! If you were the person she described you would shove away your crying children and leave to get a pedicure without giving them a second thought, not write a blog about being a mother. Angstmom is a blog that examines the angst associated with being a mother in a city of millions of crazy, pretentious, fast driving, self obsessed, latte drinking people who don’t eat and more importantly, it’s just a blog!
February 13th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
You totally get it!
February 14th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I completely agree with Sandra – I think it would be abnormal if you had no angst. You are a great mom and wife and your blog definitely does not change that! I think the fact that you can look at yourself honestly and share it with other mothers shows how much you really care.
February 14th, 2009 at 11:34 am
I have discussed this with some of my more mature friends whose children have grown and left the house long ago. Several of them have recently come to realize that they were angry when their children grew up and started lives of their own (as children do) because they had given so much of themselves that they had no identities. They were silently expecting something in return for all of their sacrifice. Jennifer, as long as your children are happy and healthy you have to maintain an identity, hobbies, friendships and a relationship with your husband that does not always include the children. One day, they will leave confident, hopefully mature, and knowing you – strong willed and you need to have a life in between Hannukahs.
February 14th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Interesting the way some folks react to things. Welcome to the wonderful world of blogging – and viva la controversy! Actually, although that reader did seem to misunderstand where you are coming from somewhat, and not get the irony and dark humor of your enterprise, her point that little ones grow fast and that we will find ourselves soon missing their little baby days is well taken. Although I am not (yet) a Mom I am always shocked to see how a certain little person I know and love is growing when I am not around (and am torn between being thrilled to see him growing and somehow sad that the baby he was has just…vanished!) Tempis Fugit… just one more thing to feel angst about I guess!
Keep up the honest and entertaining work–we love you, Jennifer!
February 14th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Thank you Sandra for your thoughtful comments. Thank you, Heather, for seeing both sides of the picture…always the “Voice of Reason!” xoxo
February 14th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
I, too, was shocked when I read this person’s response to your “Quality Time Angst” essay. I completely agree with your other readers when they say that it sounds like she is perhaps feeling regret about the quality time that she missed out on when her children were small, and now she is projecting those regrets onto you, forgetting what the hectic day-to-day life of a mother is like (and being a mother was undeniably more straightforward 20 or 30 years ago than it is now).
When I read your essay, I did not for a minute get the impression that you were truly feeling sorry for yourself or feeling unappreciative of what you have. It was very tongue-in-cheek, and as you said in your response, it is your trademark angstmom style to use hyperbole and dark humor. If she has read any of your other essays (or knows you at all), it should be plainly obvious that you were exaggerating your feelings and being slightly dramatic to get your point across. If I look back at your other angstmom essays, they all have a very consistent style that combines self-deprecating humor with sarcasm and common sense, and that style is exactly what makes your essays stand apart from most of the drivel on other “mom blogs”. You should NOT change the way you write or become inhibited in what you say because you’re worried about being misunderstood. Your writing is crystal-clear in it’s intention, and it would really be a tragedy for you to water down your essays because some readers are too dense to read between the lines. I am confident that any intelligent person who reads your writing would come away with the sense that you are a fiercely dedicated wife and mother who is able to look at motherhood (particularly in the surreal world of L.A.) through a uniquely honest and practical lens.
Unfortunately, as soon as you put your writing out there on the internet, you become vulnerable to being misunderstood and misinterpreted by people who will probably never get what you’re trying to say. But know that there is a growing legion of us out here who support and admire your writing, and who appreciate your fresh and unfiltered voice! I think you are expressing the unspoken feelings of MANY moms out there, who feel forced by society to hide their angst behind their cheery, artificially whitened smiles and pretend that they are enjoying every last precious moment with their perfect children. Keep it up, Jen – and rest assured that the majority of your readers understand and appreciate your message.